Raising Children in a Fulfilled Framework

[Delaney]

This is an awesome question and in preparing for next year (where I myself am about to have a baby), I think it’s essential that we make materials that discuss this. Along with things like being a man or a woman, being a spouse, etc.

we will discuss this both in the call in show but I’ll also get some answers from Shawn and put here! Will also put my own inexperienced thoughts from the Yeshuan perspective.

Would love to hear if anyone else has experience as well. I know @Claire navigates a marriage (without children) on two very different foundations. And @Lanigame also has a mixed familial set up.

Any thoughts Claire or Todd?

[Todd]

Much could be said, of course, and every situation is unique. Hopefully a healthy, loving compromise can be established—and if not, good luck.

In your situation, I would at least try to find a church that isn’t so bizarre, and be sure to have a patient, reasoned defense to anyone who asks for your beliefs to the contrary. In my experience, nondenominational churches tend to be fairly tame, but do your homework.

Hopefully your wife will appreciate the wisdom of healthy compromise, recognizing less harm will fall upon your children. Remember too, we all survived church.

Do all things with as much patience and love as possible. Remind yourself that God is ultimately in charge of winning over your wife and kids. Your job is to love them, protect them in love, but love them. If you don’t, your marriage will likely tank, and that would arguably be worse for everyone concerned.

It isn’t easy. So do your best to love well, offer smart and reasonable compromises when necessary, and trust in the Spirit of Yeshua to finish the drill.

[William]

If you find a church community that supports you and your family and is a positive influence, I say join them. Maybe that means you keep some of your views private. It’s important, at least from my perspective, to be flexible on these things and not let doctrinal perspectives come between you and your wife.

Live in harmony with her and fulfill her needs. You can find your spiritual outlet somewhere else.

[Hayden]

Mate, this is amazing advise, thank you so much 🙂

[Hayden]

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the thoughtful responses here. I also listened to Shawn’s take on the call-in hour today and found it helpful.

Honestly, I’m still a bit conflicted. Pentecostal expressions are the hardest one for me personally, they’re just not something I resonate with, even though that’s where we seem to keep landing, cause there are so many close to home and my wife likes the fun it brings. I can sit more comfortably in historic traditions (Anglican, Catholic, Orthodox, my great-grandparents were Orthodox after migrating post-WWII), but over time I’ve also realised I don’t actually need the institutional side of church for my own faith.

If I’m being real, going to church right now would be for my wife, not me. I know marriage involves compromise, and I’m trying to navigate that well. Where I struggle is with environments that place pressure on people spiritually or assume authority over conscience, especially around ideas like “levels” of faith. That’s a big tension for me.

My instinct would be much simpler: Sundays as a family, time together, Scripture, prayer, walking it out in real life, and community happening naturally through relationships, not programs. I know others see this differently, and I respect that.

Still figuring this out. Grateful for the wisdom and grace in this space.

[Kim]

Following!! This has certainly been tough to navigate in a semi-mixed faith marriage with kids, however the fulfilled perspective (or even considering the possibility that no one has it all correct) has been truly healing for our marriage and helped us find common ground. We have currently settled in a non-denom that provides some programming and a regular place we go together Sundays but is open enough in their teachings that we are still able to establish our own belief system in our home. It’s just 1 hour a week that isn’t a religion but shows our kids a whole community of people pursuing relationship with God in vastly different ways and for now it’s a good balance. I continue to seek on my own and find personal fulfillment thru my studies so I don’t feel like it has to match exactly where we attend/what they teach.

[Hayden]

Hi Kim! Thanks so much for the amazing advice 🙂

I think what you said to the key find a denominational church that doesn’t push too hard on dogma is the key for now. Guess what scares me the most is that my wife will actually start to really agree with Pentecostal church doctrine if we stay there, I don’t want to her to go down that road cause it’s all just hype and emotionalism. Difference is she’s been a Christian for a couple of years and I’ve been a Christian for 20 years. So I need to accept the fact that she’s a younger Christian than me and I need to let her figure some things out herself with her relationship with Yeshua, even if that means putting up with some dogma for a while… end for the day I did the work to get to this point, lots of study and searching for truth. I know I need to trust that Yeshua will lead her cause he is at the centre of both of us. God bless you

[Hayden]

Just to add one more thought to this discussion, Sarah Young mentioned on the call-in show that churches often use fear to control their members. A common example is Pentecostal churches constantly emphasising “Jesus is coming soon” and tying current world events to Revelation. That’s something I’m very strongly against and genuinely believe is wrong.

Knowing that this is happening underneath the service makes it really hard for me to justify attending anyway, even if it’s “just for community” or because my wife wants that connection. For me, it’s not a neutral thing, it feels like participating in something I fundamentally disagree with.

A few people have said to just go anyway, but the reality is that many of us have grown up in churches, been deeply involved as kids and young adults, and have come to realise that institutional religion isn’t the answer, that it’s about heart posture toward God, not systems, fear, or control. Because of that lived experience, I really struggle internally with forcing myself to attend when I feel, deep down, how wrong it is.

This is especially difficult when it comes to raising children. How do I reconcile knowingly exposing them to something I believe is unhealthy or fear-based, simply for the sake of community, when I’ve already seen the damage these systems can do?

[Delaney]

@Kim @WMc @Lanigame As Shawn mentioned in the call in hour, we are so thankful for your responses here. It has been really cool getting Yeshuans going, and being in company with some real-freaking-deal people here. Thank you all for the comments and participation.

@Haydos Of course you as well. I imagine that it’s really difficult, especially when you might be in a phase of frustration with the church rather than acceptance of it. I’m sort of in that place still, and have a hard time being in many Christian settings because you just want to like shake people.

I am not married to someone on a different page, and do not yet have children. So I cannot speak to this at all. However I’m reminded of the ideas that God has allowed everything since Christ. God has ALLOWED IT. The more I think about that, the more shocked I am. Church is a literal manifestation of culture, it is just a societal expression of the philosophy and impetus of the moment. To see it all from such a zoomed out lens, it allows me to carry myself with less emotion through these spaces, and recognize that 1. this stuff takes SO long to implement, and 2. it happens one individual at a time. The first place it might happen is with your wife, but it also might happen with individuals in whatever church you go to, the more you speak with them.

It does, though, seem like there might be better and worse denominational fits in terms of provoking more or less frustration – especially depending on where you are at personally.

Either way, we’re here for you! Keep us posted on how things are going.

[Hayden]

Thanks Dell and everyone else, I really appreciate you all.

Where Anna and I have landed is that we will do church, but we want to find one together that actually works for both of us. For her, church is mainly about community and fellowship, which I respect. For me, I need to be able to genuinely tolerate (and ideally enjoy) being there on a Sunday, otherwise it just breeds resentment.

Pentecostal church really isn’t something I can do long-term, so we’ve agreed to explore other expressions. I’m leaning more towards Orthodox or Presbyterian. I’m drawn to the reverence, structure, and discipline, especially in Orthodoxy. I don’t agree with everything theologically, especially their end times theology, but I really respect the way Christ is honoured and taken seriously, and I think that kind of reverence and discipline could actually be good for me as a husband, a dad, and a person.

So for now, we’re approaching it slowly, together, with honesty, prioritising our marriage, our kids, and peace in our home over forcing anything. That feels like the healthiest path for us at this season.

[Hayden]

Thanks so much for the encouragement, I really appreciate it.

Yes, definitely frustrated. The Pentecostal space is what I find the hardest. For example, when Bible study ends with speaking in tongues and there’s pressure for everyone to participate, I usually just stay silent. It’s often seen as “going to the next level,” but honestly, I find that side of it immature and pretty frustrating.

That said, I do think you’re right , God has allowed churches to continue and even thrive despite getting things wrong. I’m trying to hold that perspective more lightly and just pray on it rather than carry too much emotion.

I’ve had a good conversation with my wife and things are in a good place. My personal requirement is that we don’t do Pentecostal and instead find something I can tolerate, somewhere I can simply hear the Word without pressure. I’m planning to do my study through the Yeshuans leadership program, and just do Sundays with the kids, which feels manageable.

Thanks again for the support — it really means a lot.